Today I bought a copy of Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette for six dollars at Black & Read. I was really pleased, because I really enjoy reading books about correct manners and etiquette. I like to know the minutiae of every little social thing, right down to when you should remove your gloves to shake hands at a wedding reception (even though no one wears gloves like that anymore). While talking to Taylor earlier, I mentioned that I had been looking for a book on how to be more ladylike, and when she asked about what I meant when I said that word, I came to the realization that I didn’t really know.
Because what IS ladylike? How would you define that? It’s obviously a word with a meaning (characteristic of a lady; well-bred), but even with that sexist/classist definition, it’s not really saying a lot. What do ladies do? Throw dinner parties? Bake cakes? Knit scarves? Play bridge? I think my definition of a lady is evocative of a woman in the 1920′s, which, while a fairly major decade for feminism (19th amendment, birth of Planned Parenthood), wasn’t necessarily the best for the subversion of the patriarchy and the elimination of sexist thoughts like “these are things that ladies do.” Clearly that isn’t a good way of thinking about it. But.
Draw a two-column chart, and label one side “feminine” and the other “masculine.” Title it “Alexis.” In the first column, you can put traits such as hairstyle, clothing, makeup, breasts, butt, interests, mannerisms. On the masculine side, write things like body shape, voice, and hair growth. Assign each item a value based on how feminine/masculine it is. Which column has the higher value? Even if I appear more feminine than masculine, do I have so many masculine traits that it makes me easy to read? How can I protect myself against that? I can either move traits from “masculine” to “feminine” (by training my voice and having surgery) or I can add things to the feminine column to outweigh my masculine traits. So I can grow my hair out, or make my breasts appear larger, or wear more girly clothing, or behave in a more (socially acceptable) feminine way.
Although I reject the notion that breasts=woman, and sexy clothing=woman, and girly behavior=woman, society at large accepts those things. Accepts them and enforces them. And you can choose not to participate by cutting your hair short, not padding your bra, and acting however you want to act, but people will, in turn, view you as unfeminine or even masculine. That’s fine for a cis woman, because people will still view them as women, but when I am unfeminine, I am seen as a man. So although participating in the idea of being “ladylike” is sexist, I still feel it desirable to do.
All that is beside the point, though; I still haven’t really looked at what “ladylike” means. So, again, what is it that “ladies” do? If you take your cues from this book I bought, ladies dress fashionably, and know which fork to use, and are very courteous and knowledgeable on matters of social decorum, and say intelligent things, and are friendly and fun to be around. So… am I not those things? Do I not do those things?
Perhaps part of why I’m so interested in this topic is because I feel like I am not, although I’m sure some people who read this will disagree. I feel unfeminine and uninteresting, and I want to try to be better.
I guess that’s all there really is to it. I shouldn’t really be thinking this way about ANY of this; that women (or ladies) should act in a certain way (although I don’t think anyone SHOULD do anything, just that stereotypically that is what occurs, but even thinking that is somewhat problematic) and I shouldn’t be so negative towards myself in thinking that I need “correction” in ANY area of my life. The former is sexist and I should know better, and the latter is troubling and self-destructive. I am who I am–I am a sweet, mildly interesting, somewhat pretty girl–and I shouldn’t feel the need to “fix” myself.